The Marce Society

That nice lady I spoke to earlier from the APNI told me about The Marce Society, which is an international professional group that is focused on the assessment, treatment, research and everything to do with post natal illness. She said that she thought they may be interested in my experience of PNI. So, I cracked on and found the site and filled in the application form so I could log in............
..............to be informed that to join this society you had to part with £70.

Bollocks.

Too "mental" for the Association of Post Natal Illness and too broke for the Society who is trying to work out how to reduce the illness and its effects. Hmmmmmmmmmm..................................................now there's a challenge I like the sound of.

Incidentally, I'm feeling a lot better today. I feel that by starting this blog I have found a way of focusing all the different things I do into some kind of order. I feel I have got my new project and feel so excited about the limitless possibilities it presents. Although my thoughts continue to race, they are more focused and less random than before. I honestly feel that this is going to be the beginning of something really positive. I'm smiling as I write this because I'm so glad I finally decided to write some of the stuff in my head down -it gives my thoughts a sense of reality and meaning whereas before the thoughts just crashed on without ever being developed and then are gone forever.

Hubby says it's just my new obsession. He thinks I'm incapable of just having an interest or a hobby, he argues that I become obsessive. I tell him that he's just not as focused as I can be. I've always been the same though -when something catches my imagination i run with it, fly with it, chase it and don't let go until I have exhausted it. I'm just very highly motivated and like to follow things through to the absolute best of mine or any one's ability.

If a jobs not worth doing properly then it's not worth doing at all.

Take for example Facebook. Fucking hours spent on it. I LOVED IT!!!! Loved finding more and more people and talking to them all, and even setting up a whole group site and posting pictures and organising a big school reunion that about 60 or so people are going to. And now I can't really be arsed that much. I'll check my email but don't really go on there at all now. However, look at the positive gains from my Facebook phase. I've got in touch with loads of old friends, had a really good laugh, and arranged a big get together. Why is that so bad?

I know Hubby is worried that I'm not doing to well, but today I do feel better. The only slight thing that is worrying me in the depths of my mind is that I keep hearing things and I'm not sure if I'm hearing them for real, or I'm imagining them. It's not voices or anything specific, just odd hushes, whispers or what sound like a muffled talking. But no words. just really annoying sounds that cause my ears to prick up, and make me feel as if I look like a deer in the woods hearing the crack of a hunters boot on a twig.

Hubby said something tonight and I wasn't sure if he had spoken or if i was just imagining it. It happened a work yesterday as well when I thought someone had asked me a question and they said they hadn't said anything at all. But I do think that does happen sometimes. I i shouldn't become over anxious about it because if I do that it really will come up and bite me on the arse!

Association for Post Natal Illness(APNI) response

Well, I thought I would follow up the email I sent to the APNI with a little phone call and got directed to their voice mail. However, someone called back, and they felt that the points I raised in my letter were valid -yay!!! So, she gave me the number of someone more senior who I immediately rang. She also thought the points I had raised were valid, and asked if she could present my letter at the next 'big wigs' meeting in July. Of course - I said yes. Then she asked me if I could slightly amend the letter so it kind of skimmed over the whole little issue of bipolar disorder as she felt the professionals and doctors on the board might think that my experience of post natal depression just wouldn't be that relevant my main problem being BPD, and I may be best directed to Depression Alliance or something. Clearly the big wigs prefer their volunteers to have only suffered with a nice clear cut case of PNI. Oh dear. However, she didn't say to not mention it, just to play it down a bit. She genuinely seemed to understand where I was coming from, but basically felt that due to fact that I had a diagnosis of BPD and I remained on medication the big wigs who decide what the policies are might think that I wouldn't make a very good volunteer for several reasons.

Reasons I Might Not Be A Good Volunteer

1. Firstly, a mother who needs reassuring that they will get completely better and that the whole PNI thing is in fact just a temporary blip, might not be significantly cheered up by the fact that their telephone supporter was diagnosed with a serious and enduring mental illness after her post natal episode. Okydoky.

2. Also, the fact that I had been diagnosed with a mental illness meant that I was more fragile than those without a diagnosis, therefore more likely to be tipped over the edge by talking to someone else with a similar experience which would NOT BE GOOD FOR ME.

3. The fact that I was on antidepressant and anti psychotic medication would not sit comfortably with the "judges" as I shall now call them. It would be a bit dodgy having some medicated, mentalist advising on getting through post natal depression by yapping on about that one time when she thought her baby was possessed by a 23 year old called Daniel, especially if they just had a bit of baby blues and main problem was not being able to get up in the morning.

4. Another concern was that as a telephone volunteer you are basically left to get on with providing the support, and filling in the APNI admin office on how the mother is doing via a report card every couple of weeks. Basically, I would be lone working with no supervision and if I went bonkers it WOULD NOT BE GOOD for me or the poor depressed mother I was meant to be supporting. Fair one.

So, I shall mull these points over, and then I will begin in putting together a letter that could be presented to the Judges which will reassure them that I might be quite a good volunteer. Watch this space........................