Friday, August 1, 2008

Going down.

I feel crashingly low. Tearful, and totally spent in terms of energy and motivation with myself. Meant to be going to a wedding which is something I would usually be really excited about, but can't seem to get my self together enough physically or mentally to go. Keep get disturbing images of myself handling a gun, and then very calmly holding it to my head, pulling the trigger and watching my brains splat against the wall as I slump to the floor my hand still wrapped around the gun and my finger still on the trigger. I have been getting them over the last couple of weeks, but as my mood continues to spiral downwards the thought and image of this is becoming increasingly frequent and more graphic. Bizarrely, although it's horrible and upsetting, the sense of choice calms me a little. I don't feel suicidal, I have no plan, I have never self harmed and I have never attempted suicide but I just keep getting these images. I have thought about suicide, but this has been when I feel that the situation is hopeless I nothing will ever change. I seriously considered suicide post psychosis after the birth of my first daughter. I felt that I could never love her, and as the situation could not be changed my husband and daughter would do far better without me.

When I was depressed last year there were times when I thought about it as a way of ending the turmoil and the upset caused to me and my family by this demon. I don't feel actively suicidal right now, but I do just want this all to stop and I am scared this is just a runaway train that will never stop, and the only way to get off is to jump off. I'm wondering about my
meds too. Would I fair better without them? If I could get to grips with this thing without meds, then at least I would know that they are real swings in mood as opposed to chemically influenced changes. They say the fluoxetine made my high, but it stopped me from getting depressed. It's been halved from 40mg to 20mg. I have started on Lamotrigine but I am not yet up to a therapeutic dose. The quetipine helps me sleep, but it's getting increasingly difficult to get up in the morning. I wish the fluoxetine had been left alone until the lamotrigine had been given a chance to kick in.

Because right now I feel as if I am swimming without anything to keep me afloat. I'm scared of drowning because I can't keep this thing away and stop it from submerging me. Or just giving up and letting it roll over me and suck me under.

Hubby isn't happy with situation. He hates it when I'm low and can't handle it. He just seems to be angry and
irritated with me which just makes me feel so much worse and even more alone. I feel so guilty because I know it brings him down which results in him just cutting himself off from me. He's a fixer I guess, and if he can't solve it he ignores it or gets frustrated with it -a bit like DIY. Would would be nice is just a few words of support, and a cuddle. But instead he sits in the lounge watching footie results and I tap away on the computer with tears rolling down my face.

We are meant to be going to a wedding. Hubby says he won't go without me. He has just told me to text
friends to say we won't be going. He has told me to "Fuck off to your Mum's", and clear off for the weekend. he is so angry about this. I just can't seem to stop it. I feel even worse now. Images coming thick and fast through my head as if my brain is trying to tell me there is no way out of this unless you jump off that moving train.

So what do I do now?


Seratonin said...

I'm sorry that things are so bad for you.Would it help you at all if you did go to your Mum's ?
Keep in touch

Love Sis xxx

Anonymous said...

i saw your blog on seratonins list and came to have a nosey. sorry that you're having a mare.
it sounds like how my hubby was when i was ill. he used to be REALLY arsey when i was at my worst. my counsellor reckoned that it was because he couldnt fix it. i still thought he was a tosser at the time!
take care x

A Truly Registered Mental Nurse said...

thanks margery - yes i think my hubby is the same -he just gets very frustrated x