Tuesday, May 27, 2008
A bit paranoid today..................
At work at the moment and struggling. Feel a bit paranoid and on the verge of tears and trying to control my thoughts and think straight. Received a letter this morning regarding a medication error and I instantly thought that I was the only one who had got a letter and everyone would be talking about me and what a shit nurse I was. In actual fact every trained nurse got the same letter. No big deal then. Also I got a bit panicked when I heard another nurse wasn't happy with a decision I made regarding my dealing with a the behaviour of a patient. I worry that everyone is slagging me off and how I work. I think I'm just being a bit over sensitive about this which I keep telling myself is normal in a new job.
I just feel terribly caught between my own mental health problems being a pro or a con when it comes to my job. I wish I could be one of those campaigners who is accepting and ease with their diagnosis and don't feel ashamed of it. I claim that I'm non-judgemental but all I do is negatively judge myself. But also I hate the idea of letting this whole bipolar thing become central to my identity - me becoming my diagnosis. I just want to feel at peace with it and move on. I just feel that at the moment is really hard trying to appear to be the same as everyone else - it's exhausting.